I’m finally 17. I know there’s nothing significant about turning 17 but it’s still bittersweet. I actually feel older, which is weird cause every year on my birthday I have people ask “do you feel older?” & I always say that it’s a dumb question because I don’t think that anyone ever feels older. There’s just something different about this year though. Maybe it’s the realization that I’m really growing up. Who knows.
I seriously wish I lived when chivalry & romance were booming. When love letters were sent in the mail & dates came before being asked out.
“…My north isn’t his north, we go in different directions. I can’t make sense of it or make light of it or even make it something new. It’s just life. And such an impossibility is consuming, but I suppose that’s what makes it brilliant.
Where would we be if one day, we woke up without anyone elses moral compass?
Exactly where we’re supposed to be. Because they are not meant to bring us to eachother, they’re meant to bring us to ourselves.”
I miss that spark that ignites in two people when they first start talking. You know what I’m talking about? When your stomach turns and your heart stops when you see their name pop up on your phone, or when you walk past them in the hallway. When you want to spend every bit of your free time with them. When you can talk for hours about nothing because you’re getting to know each other. But it seems like as time goes on, every relationship loses that spark way too soon. We become so comfortable with eachother that we forget what it felt like when we were first together. The conversations become shorter, and the time spent together becomes more of a routine. Don’t get me wrong, you still love that person but it’s like you need an energy boost for your relationship. Everything seems the same. Things stop feeling new. They stop feeling as exciting.
So I think that today I finally realized that I’m not good at anything. I mean, I’ve always thought it, but I just always thought of the ”I know I’m good for something, I just haven’t found it yet” lyrics while being hopeful in thinking that soon enough I’d find something I’m good at. But something hit me today and I think I just finally accepted the fact that I’m not good at anything, nor will I ever be. There’s nothing that I’ve done in my life that I’m so passionate about that makes me go “wow, this is what I want to do everyday for the rest of my life.” Piano? Sure, I enjoy playing it, but I would never want to be in an orchestra. Singing? Yeah, I suppose I’m decent, but I don’t want to be on Broadway. Nursing? Fuck it, my grades suck too much to ever pursue that dream. Cosmetology school? I like doing people’s hair, but it’s not a promising career. Those were basically my only four options and I blew all of them. Oh well. I can settle with moving into a shitty apartment in Minneapolis, playing Open Mic nights in little cafes & bars for fun. I think this plan is better than sitting around doing nothing all day thinking about anything and everything.
So it’s settled then.
My goal in life: fill all of my time with working part time jobs, move out in 2 years, fly to Minnesota, find a decent paying job, move into a little apartment, play Open Mics, and forget the fact that I’ll never do anything better with my life. Sounds like a plan to me.
I hate how life works. Day by day it seems like nothings changes, but one day you look back and nothing is the same. People walked out of your life, and new people walked in. You became the person you said you’d never be. You lost all of your morals. You became a new person for the good. Whatever it is, it is…it’s not the same. Things have changed. For the better, or for the worse. It’s nights like tonight when my mind races in fifteen million different directions and I think of things like this. I don’t know what it was, but I realized that I really have no close friends left in my life. I have my boyfriend who’s constantly working, my cousin who lives 30 minutes away, and my childhood best friend who lives an hour away whom I haven’t seen in months. Basically I just want to sit here in cry. It sucks not having anyone around. I miss that best friend feeling when you can just call them up when you’ve had a terrible day & without even saying the words, you both know that you need a “sweat pants, hair back, no makeup, junk food, movie night.” Sure, I love my boyfriend and he’s always there for me, but I’m a girl. And sometimes we just need those girls nights. Tonight just happens to be one of those nights. Kaitlyn, just move home please ):
I had one of those moments today and it hasn’t quite faded away.
It happened during 6th hour, in my Algebra 2 class. We were learning something new and I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around what we were learning so I spaced out for a little bit. I began to have one of those moments. Everyone has them. Those moments where you just completely blank out and forget that you’re in a room full of people. You forget of anyone and anything’s existence as you begin to think about your life. That’s exactly what I began to do. I begin to think about my age first off. I realized that almost 3 weeks ago, I turned 16. Now I know that in the grand scheme of things 16 isn’t an old number at all, but it’s one of those significant birthdays. I remember standing in my bedroom on my 8th birthday. I was putting on my pretty pink dress, while my mom put my “Birthday Girl” pin onto my chest. I felt so on top of the world. I couldn’t believe how old I was getting. I walked into my older sister’s room after I was finished getting dressed so I could look at myself in her full length mirror. She was in college at the time, and had been in this bedroom for as long as we lived in the house. I stood in front of the mirror and tried imagining myself being 16. I tried imagining myself having friends over late at night, far past my bedtime. I tried imagining sitting behind the closed door, laughing and spilling secrets. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t imagine it. I don’t think I could fully grasp the fact that I would be 16 in just 8 more years. It didn’t seem real in my mind. I felt so special turning 8, but I couldn’t wait to turn 16 and do all of those fun highschool things. I couldn’t wait to go to football games, have sleepovers with my friends, have more freedom, and I especially couldn’t wait to have a boyfriend. All of those things seemed so much fun, so you know what I did? I enjoyed my birthday party and when it came time for everyone to sing happy birthday to me, I made the best wish I could think of. I wished that 8 years from that exact day, I would be happy. I wished that no matter what circumstance my life was at that moment, I would have a boyfriend whom I loved and I would be as happy as my sister was with her fiance. None of my wishes ever came true before, so I never really expected this one to come true. But you know what? It did. This year, on my 16th birthday I looked up while everyone was singing to me, and I saw my boyfriend smiling at me. It was in that moment I knew I had true love and happiness. I began to think about this, which led me to start thinking about the fact that my sister is turning 18 this year. In 5 months she’ll be legal, and in one year she’ll be moving out and going to college. As much as I fight with her, I started getting teary eyed thinking about having a room to myself and facing each day without her. You see we’ve shared rooms our how lives, and even though there’s many days when we scream at eachother saying we hate eachother and how we want our own rooms, I’m going to miss her like hell. When it comes down to it we’re both there for eachother and I don’t know what I’m going to do without her around. As I began thinking about all of these things I slowly started stressing. In 40 days, my sophmore year will be over and I’ll officially be done with half of my high school career. How is it that life goes by so fast? I glanced up for a minute and looked at the dry erase board with all of the different functions, and I felt so stupid. I honestly felt so worthless. I began to think that there’s no way I can go through with the career goal I want and to become a RN. I soon realized that this was my bad thoughts getting the best of me, but I couldn’t stop. I had to stop and ask myself, “what the fuck am I doing with my life?” I calmed down a little bit thinking back to the first part of my thoughts about the fact that I have an absolutely amazing boyfriend who I love, but besides that I really couldn’t stop the bad thoughts. I couldn’t help but compare myself to my straight A sister who’s going to have no problem becoming a doctor. My parents support her in everything she does, and I guess they support me as well but it’s just harder to believe in a daughter with a 2.8 GPA who’s aspiring to have a career in the medical field. I want to shake all of these bad thoughts away and just believe in myself, but it isn’t that simple at all. It’s just one of those days. This storm just needs to come already. There’s something about rain that helps me cope with these sorts of moods. So I guess I’ll just sit here and wait, like I wait for everything else in my life.
I want someone new to come in my life to prove that all of this hurting and unhappiness is worth it; they’ll make me so happy that I’ll forget what feeling this shitty is like.