You are an autonomous striver with hidden strength.

Your responses indicate a desire to overcome a persistent feeling of emptiness or dissatisfaction. You believe life should have more to offer, and fear you have somehow not achieved everything you deserve.

Your desire for legitimate respect and success has led to increasing anxiety. Consequently, you no longer exhibit some of the friendliness and openness for which you were once known.

Similarly, you fear being overly influenced by others. You are often fiercely independent, which sometimes leads to being resistant to the opinions of friends and relatives — even to the point of denying what you fear may actually be true.

This behavior stems from your wish to be regarded as an authority. It leads you to react strongly when you suspect you might be wrong. At times you feel that too much is being asked of you, and that you are not properly recognized for your efforts. This situation — be it fueled by others’ jealousy or negligence — adds to the stress in your life.

Luckily, your determination is unyielding. Unlike others facing similar adversity, you forge ahead despite the challenges. Through strength of will or simple endurance, you are unique in your ability to withstand the troubles of a complicated life.

“…My north isn’t his north, we go in different directions. I can’t make sense of it or make light of it or even make it something new. It’s just life. And such an impossibility is consuming, but I suppose that’s what makes it brilliant.

Where would we be if one day, we woke up without anyone elses moral compass?

Exactly where we’re supposed to be. Because they are not meant to bring us to eachother, they’re meant to bring us to ourselves.”

http://colormecarly.squarespace.com/journal/2012/6/12/freckles-and-foreign-countries.html?SSScrollPosition=180

I’m really sick of people who only need me when something’s wrong in their life, but when things are good they want nothing to do with me.

So I think that today I finally realized that I’m not good at anything. I mean, I’ve always thought it, but I just always thought of the ”I know I’m good for something, I just haven’t found it yet” lyrics while being hopeful in thinking that soon enough I’d find something I’m good at. But something hit me today and I think I just finally accepted the fact that I’m not good at anything, nor will I ever be. There’s nothing that I’ve done in my life that I’m so passionate about that makes me go “wow, this is what I want to do everyday for the rest of my life.” Piano? Sure, I enjoy playing it, but I would never want to be in an orchestra. Singing? Yeah, I suppose I’m decent, but I don’t want to be on Broadway. Nursing? Fuck it, my grades suck too much to ever pursue that dream. Cosmetology school? I like doing people’s hair, but it’s not a promising career. Those were basically my only four options and I blew all of them. Oh well. I can settle with moving into a shitty apartment in Minneapolis, playing Open Mic nights in little cafes & bars for fun. I think this plan is better than sitting around doing nothing all day thinking about anything and everything.

So it’s settled then.

My goal in life: fill all of my time with working part time jobs, move out in 2 years, fly to Minnesota, find a decent paying job, move into a little apartment, play Open Mics, and forget the fact that I’ll never do anything better with my life. Sounds like a plan to me.

I think my biggest problem is that when something’s bothering me I don’t tell anyone cause I always feel like they have more important things to worry about than my stupid teenage issues. Oh well, I’ll just continue keeping things bottled up.

I had one of those moments today and it hasn’t quite faded away.

It happened during 6th hour, in my Algebra 2 class. We were learning something new and I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around what we were learning so I spaced out for a little bit. I began to have one of those moments. Everyone has them. Those moments where you just completely blank out and forget that you’re in a room full of people. You forget of anyone and anything’s existence as you begin to think about your life. That’s exactly what I began to do. I begin to think about my age first off. I realized that almost 3 weeks ago, I turned 16. Now I know that in the grand scheme of things 16 isn’t an old number at all, but it’s one of those significant birthdays. I remember standing in my bedroom on my 8th birthday. I was putting on my pretty pink dress, while my mom put my “Birthday Girl” pin onto my chest. I felt so on top of the world. I couldn’t believe how old I was getting. I walked into my older sister’s room after I was finished getting dressed so I could look at myself in her full length mirror. She was in college at the time, and had been in this bedroom for as long as we lived in the house. I stood in front of the mirror and tried imagining myself being 16. I tried imagining myself having friends over late at night, far past my bedtime. I tried imagining sitting behind the closed door, laughing and spilling secrets. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t imagine it. I don’t think I could fully grasp the fact that I would be 16 in just 8 more years. It didn’t seem real in my mind. I felt so special turning 8, but I couldn’t wait to turn 16 and do all of those fun highschool things. I couldn’t wait to go to football games, have sleepovers with my friends, have more freedom, and I especially couldn’t wait to have a boyfriend. All of those things seemed so much fun, so you know what I did? I enjoyed my birthday party and when it came time for everyone to sing happy birthday to me, I made the best wish I could think of. I wished that 8 years from that exact day, I would be happy. I wished that no matter what circumstance my life was at that moment, I would have a boyfriend whom I loved and I would be as happy as my sister was with her fiance. None of my wishes ever came true before, so I never really expected this one to come true. But you know what? It did. This year, on my 16th birthday I looked up while everyone was singing to me, and I saw my boyfriend smiling at me. It was in that moment I knew I had true love and happiness. I began to think about this, which led me to start thinking about the fact that my sister is turning 18 this year. In 5 months she’ll be legal, and in one year she’ll be moving out and going to college. As much as I fight with her, I started getting teary eyed thinking about having a room to myself and facing each day without her. You see we’ve shared rooms our how lives, and even though there’s many days when we scream at eachother saying we hate eachother and how we want our own rooms, I’m going to miss her like hell. When it comes down to it we’re both there for eachother and I don’t know what I’m going to do without her around. As I began thinking about all of these things I slowly started stressing. In 40 days, my sophmore year will be over and I’ll officially be done with half of my high school career. How is it that life goes by so fast? I glanced up for a minute and looked at the dry erase board with all of the different functions, and I felt so stupid. I honestly felt so worthless. I began to think that there’s no way I can go through with the career goal I want and to become a RN. I soon realized that this was my bad thoughts getting the best of me, but I couldn’t stop. I had to stop and ask myself, “what the fuck am I doing with my life?” I calmed down a little bit thinking back to the first part of my thoughts about the fact that I have an absolutely amazing boyfriend who I love, but besides that I really couldn’t stop the bad thoughts. I couldn’t help but compare myself to my straight A sister who’s going to have no problem becoming a doctor. My parents support her in everything she does, and I guess they support me as well but it’s just harder to believe in a daughter with a 2.8 GPA who’s aspiring to have a career in the medical field. I want to shake all of these bad thoughts away and just believe in myself, but it isn’t that simple at all. It’s just one of those days. This storm just needs to come already. There’s something about rain that helps me cope with these sorts of moods. So I guess I’ll just sit here and wait, like I wait for everything else in my life.

I remember being a little girl, thinking about what it’d feel like to be 16. It’s definitely not what I was expecting it to be. But you know what? Despite the fact this past year has had a ton of ups and downs, in this very moment I can finally say that I’m happy. I still have my rough days, but I have an amazing boyfriend, family, and friends & quite honestly, that in itself is a great sweet 16 present.